Hide and Seek(written 2 weeks ago)&found this draft.

So as I am sure some of you (you meaning someone who I regularly interact with) have noticed, I have been rather M.I.A. lately. If you haven't then maybe I feel more missing than I really am. The men of my house were battling some kind of cold or something and while hangin back I had my own kind of battle that I didn't really realize.

I say that I have been "doing my own thing" or "laying low"

During my hermit like activity, things were pretty nice. Staying home and playing with Lukas having fun learning and laughing. Spending "me time" during the 5 minutes of quiet between the next household chore or video game playing that went down during his nap time.
Staying up late hanging out with my hubby being nerdy goofy us.

Why though, during my "me time" or "down town" or "laying low" did I have to go and avoid the word of God?

When I do this my "laying low" becomes an unhealthy self defeating lonely  short tempered depressed vacation from busy life. Apposed to just taking it easy and taking on less.

I feel like doing things that make life easier end up making life less rewarding.

When I am not doing as much ministry as I can handle. Or reading the word of the Lord our God throughout my day, I slowly yet surely drift off into this place-this sad sad world where I am not who I am. I am rude to my husband (not a ton lately but when I am rude its pretty rude..and undeserving...and just ..rude) I am short tempered.I alienate myself. I go through these dialogues in my mind making things seem so much more worse than they really are.

So by hiding from the truth, the Bible, church, ministry, friends, obligations- things that busy up your (my) life, I wasn't making things more leisurely. I was making things more complicated because I put a gap between the Lord and myself. This gap leaves room for the enemy to jump in and make the gap larger trying to deter me away from the amazing relationship I have with my creator. He's tricky and SO SMART its hard to realize when you (I) start giving into the trickery.

So again-by hiding from everything in attempts to be less busy and "enjoy" life a little more, I am doing the opposite. you cannot enjoy life fully without being in direct connection daily with Our God the Father. Alfa&Omega. The Great I am. Lord. Jesus. Yeshua. Abba Father. The Creator of everything that was, is and will be. The most beautiful, most high, most amazing artist. Yes! That guy!  Without Him life is so much less than it has ever been. Once you are filled with his glory, falling away from Him does damage to yourself(myself). Leaving room for the enemy to try and steal you from the light and throw you back into a life of dark lonely bondage.

Screw you bondage.

So yeah. The Lord is amazing. and when you hide, he will always seek you. Never leave, fail you, forget you.
Never hold anything you've done against you like black mail

He will never make you feel less than what you are but always make you want to strive to be better, stronger, smarter, healthier, so that you can reach other and show them the joy in life that comes with His  truth and love.

He is the father to the fatherless. He will always make you feel loved.


Why why why do I always fall away.




Ugh.


But here I am right now.
Realizing.
Changing.
Fixing things.

&&thats what matters